Is sex ever casual? Can women have no strings attached sex? Yes and No – I have had sex with a man who I was not in love with and I felt somewhat guilty afterwards, call it social conditioning.
I felt guilty because I believed that sex should only be a part of a committed relationship I was not able to process the idea of having sex just for pleasure.
My relationships when I have them tend to be intense, almost to the point where I feel that I need some room to breath. Why the intensity? I give my all in relationships, I am a 100% kind of woman, if I am not giving that and receiving it, I usually call it quits and look for something new.
When I first decided to go online and talk with men, I had no idea what I would find. I discovered a range of sexual opportunities, with men that were younger, older and kinky.
My sheltered life was cast aside and I embraced my quest to become sexually free with relish.
I used to think endings were bad, I now view them as completed lessons. This rids me of the guilt after a brief affair or encounter.
A lover of mine asked me to tell him how me how many men I had slept with, I did not tell him the truth, I said five. He insisted that it could not be more than five men. Why?
This brings me back to the whole double standards thing and stereotypes. As a black woman I struggled with sexual oppression for many years, I often questioned my sexuality and was confused and embarrassed by my sexual needs.
I was fortunate to have sex with lovers that were able to help me in my journey, each man providing a new experience. Within time I gained confidence and I started to educate myself, I read erotica and watched porn.
During a weekend with a boyfriend, I discovered his stash of porn purely by accident. He had popped out to buy some food and said to help myself to a video to watch in his absence.
I saw a huge box near the TV and could not resist, it was partially covered with a towel, I saw a video peeking out and I just grabbed it, as I saw the words “Cum Queens” scrawled on the side.
I kicked back and made myself comfortable:
Within minutes I saw a man walk into a house, their were two women on the bed, one black, one white. The women were in a 69, licking and tasting each other.
The man started to wank, pumping his cock really quickly, he spits on his cock and pulls them apart he enters the white woman first, in her arse and the black woman positions herself in front, so that the white woman can suck her tits.
At this point my boyfriend returned.
Him: Fuck, shit, look I don’t watch them all the time
Me: I like it it is interesting
Him: Really
Me: Yes
He dropped the shopping on the floor and pulled my jeans off and put his hands in my panties.
Him: Baby you are so wet
Me: I know
Him: I have to eat your pussy
This was the second time that he had eaten me out, I laid back and felt his tongue work it’s magic. I moaned and gyrated my hips. He pushed his fingers into my pussy and pumped them really hard.
In the background I could hear the moans of the women on the porn video, I saw the man fuck the black woman whilst fingering the white woman. I came and my boyfriend licked me clean.
Afterwards, we kissed each other all over and he stroked my thighs for ages. He whispered that we had something new to share. I learned a lot in this relationship, he was the man I first had oral sex with, he watched me masturbate to orgasm and I had my first squirting orgasm with him too.
As my confidence grew so did my stamina, one night after work he got in and looked so sexy, that I threw him on the floor and ripped his clothes off.
Him: Babe slow down
Me: I can’t
I put his cock in my mouth and sucked him off, licked his balls too and caressed his soft spot just before the anus.
Him: Baby I’m gonna come
He did and I swallowed, I had never done that before, it tasted salty and then sweet. On seeing me swallow his come, he became erect again. He positioned me on all floors and fucked me from behind, his cock was big and thick, with each pounding I nearly bumped my head into the wall, so I had to lift one arm up to steady myself.
We heard a noise above us and I suggested that we move as the neighbours were about to come down the stairs, we were in the communal hallway.
Just as we arrived back into the apartment, I realised that I had forgotten something.
Neighbour 1: Is that her thong on the floor?
Neighbour 2: Looks like it, they are always at it.
I waited until I thought the coast was clear and quickly retrieved them.
Meanwhile lover man was in the bathroom setting the bath for us. When I told him what happened he laughed. We fucked with him sitting on the toilet and me grinding him cowgirl style. He picked me up and sat me on the sink spread my legs and pushed his cock inside my pussy.
What followed was the deepest fucking I have ever had, I grabbed onto him and fucked him back with the same pace and intensity.
Him: Keep on fucking me girl, keep on fucking me
Me: Fuck this pussy boy
Him: Shit baby, you are getting rough
Me: Fuck me, fuck me hard, do it, fuck me
Him: Fuck, you are bad girl, you are my bad girl
He thrusted long hard and deep, we got in the tub and I got on all fours again and he fucked me even harder, he played with my tits and rubbed my clit. I screamed out when I came and so did he.
When I encountered younger men, like the Toyboy, I adored their energy and lust to try something different, nothing was forbidden. Younger men ate my pussy with gusto and never held back.
While the older and mature men offered experience, patience and some beautiful sexual encounters.
Do I miss my lovers, sometimes. The ones that were special to me, I often think of them. I view blogging about them as honouring the connection that I had with them at the time.
Although I am not having partnered sex at present, my sex life is good. I please myself, masturbation keeps me sane. I know that I will have sex again, but only when I am ready.
In my lust filled moments, I have fucked men that I did not care for or even like. I used to berate myself for that, but then learnt to just to let it go.
This whole fuck buddy concept still puzzles me, I have tried it a few times and while it was fun, it never really worked for me. I need more than one night with a man, at least give me two, three or four. In fact give me a lot longer than that, give me a committed sexual partner.
In the middle of a fuck buddy situation, I fell in love with my casual partner, the situation went sour very quickly. I soon learnt that I needed to be less emotional when fucking on a casual basis, but I just cannot do it wholeheartedly.
When a buddy of mine fell for me, it changed me. I loved him too. But our affair became destructive, violent even, him not me. I thought that I would never blog about violence in relationships, I probably won’t, this is as far as I can go, as it is still very painful.
Our love was a mixture of lust, desire, addiction and obsession. I had to leave towards the end, I did not recognise myself, I had become this woman who was afraid of men.
I chilled for a while, tried another fuck buddy situation and it was shite, sex was good and all but he was too controlling and I was just a shadow of my former myself.
So in my hiatus, I learnt that love and sex have nothing to do with obsession, oppression, violence, criticism, stereotypes and mistrust – as far I am concerned.
My sexual journey is ongoing, I think I will I still be strutting my stuff when I’m way up in my years. Sexuality does not end, it grows, evolves and gets better with time.
So in a radical moment last night, I decided that I really need to continue writing both of my blogs as they reflect my journey thus far. Nasty Black Chick discusses my sexual relationships and sex in general, while Black Fetish Queen is the kinky side of me.
(Nasty Black Chick and Black Fetish Queen were amalgamated, thus Black, Kinky and Proud)
Thank you for reading and the comments that you have made.
Much love
Pashun
