I have not stepped into a church for a while, I really have no problem with religion except when people wave their faith in my face as an attempt to restrict my way of living or sexuality.
While I agree that there is something, someone or a higher power I cannot name it, give it a face. I just believe and that is enough, right now.
So when I am given challenges, I usually sound off for hours, complain about it, ask the question “Why me?” and then wake up to the possibility that perhaps there is a lesson to learn in all of this.
I’ve been slipping, I have been so wrapped up in pleasing everyone except myself. I looked so hard for love and was not even sure what the fuck to do with it and question daily whether what I have is love at all and maybe I just need to let go and stop trying to control every aspect of my life.
Love, sex and communication appeal to me, I feel that I have so much to give, but often I don’t know how to express it. I just wanted a lover who I could share all of my sexuality with, but sometimes I find myself holding back for fear of rejection.
I will remember Friday 14th May 2010 as the day that the shit hit the fan and then some. Waking up and seeing that all of my stories were gone filled me with sadness, anger and my first reaction was, “Who did this and why?”.
Was it because I chose to blog about sexuality, or was it because I refused to jump into bed with men that have found my blog, or the fact that I did not want to be the latest hook up on some guy’s list of women he managed to fuck.
Slowly, I have come to realise, that writing about sex is important to me, I communicate freely but I had to question myself regularly. Yes I had offers from men who wanted to show me how big their cocks were etc..
But did I really want to see “I fucked Pashun” on some guy’s Twitter and Facebook update, no I think not. Which explains why I did not accept their offers. I write my blog for me, this is not a way for me to pick up random men.
Boys talk, real men have sex, fuck, blow your back out and keep their mouths shut!! They know that if they talk that they won’t be getting any pussy again.
Back to the topic, or the reason why I am writing this entry, to me being sexy is acknowledging what life has to offer. It is knowing what turns you on, not just sexually but what makes you happy in life. What brings you pleasure and joy.
I had to fight hard to reclaim my sexuality, to the point where I can’t or won’t settle for anything that stops me from being my true self.
Even if I had truly lost everything on Friday, I would have found a way to write again, sex is in my mind, it is in my breath, the way I walk and talk, it is in my hips when I grind up on a man in a club, on a bed, on a chair, on the floor, on the stairs.
Sex is in on my lips, when I fellate, suck a man’s dick so good that he won’t need to masturbate, sex is in my words, when I have phone sex and vocalise sexual fantasies.
Most of all sex is on my blog, where I share my erotic thoughts, creativity and message, which is to embrace our sexuality.
It really does not matter who are sleeping with, having sex with, fucking with.
Whatever your thing is, enjoy it.
My sexuality is wide and varied, I often wonder if I will ever find a partner who can accept me as I am. Will they understand that I find both men and women sexually attractive, will they get that fetish, kink, BDSM, romance, erotica, pornrotica and being sexually free are what I am about.
I have no time for “What ifs”, this is me, this is what I do, this is what I live for, this is what I think sexy is.
