I had been going out with him for a few months, a beautiful,tall, smooth skinned Jamaican guy. We were taking a slow walk home when he stopped, looked me in the eyes and said:
Marry me
He waited patiently for my answer and I stood still, not talking just looking back at him, trying to work out if he meant it, if he was being sincere.
Baby you would make a nice wife, you have all the qualities I want and need.
Again, I said nothing.
Then when I had the courage to answer him I said:
“Ha, ha very funny you almost had me going there”
He took me over to a bench and said it again:
Marry me
That’s when I knew that he was serious, but I was not ready, I was in love with someone else, so I thought at the time.
I told him about the other man in my life, I could see that I had hurt him, he kept on saying:
Baby, that man is not loving you, he is just playing, I love you
We walked home together.
That night he oiled my hair, washed my face, massaged my back and shoulders, kissed me until I came.
Before he left he said “You know I love you”.
Yesterday while I was cleaning out my closet, my Spring cleaning, I found a card from him where he said that he would love me always. I cried, even now I think of him.
What was I afraid of, being loved I guess, I was so used to having “Good Sex, Bad Men”. That I never imagined that I could meet someone so gentle and caring as him.
The other man was equally as nice, but he had commitment issues and I was waiting and waiting in hope that he would eventually change, it never happened.
So in the same year, the man who said he wanted to marry me, got fed up of waiting and slowly faded away.
Mr Lack of Commitment, just vanished and I was left alone with my thoughts wondering what happened. I kept on thinking it was not meant to be.
While this was going on, I met someone who was just, I can’t really say how he made me feel, it was just something else.
I could have a conversation with him and laugh too, we had similar interests.
Everything was going well, we were getting to know each other, he knew about Marry Me and Mr Lack of Commitment, we were always open and honest.
Then things got crazy, Marry Me returned, Mr Lack of Commitment proposed, I had another guy calling me and saying how he could love me right.
I just pressed the STOP button and kicked back for a bit and tried to make sense of the situation.
Mr Something Else was the only one who said:
I’ll wait
I foolishly told him not to and that I could not see myself in a relationship, truth was I just plain scared.
Marry me got angry and said “You need love, you know that, so why are you pushing me away”.
Mr Lack of Commitment claimed I was crazy and he was sick of black women who only wanted thugs.
Three years later
I was shopping when I felt someone touch my arm:
Still beautiful
It was him, Mr Something Else and he was on his way to a meeting and just wanted to say hello.
He walked away and just as I was about to get on a bus, I saw him turn around and he was just looking and blew me a kiss.
I never thought that I was the marrying type, but a few men changed my thinking.
With the right man, I could marry with a few tweaks here and there, I can’t see myself ever standing up in a church saying that I will obey a man – sorry.
Recently I met a man that reminds me of Mr Something Else, we have never kissed, barely touched yet I feel like he is The One, isn’t that crazy?
The situation is so complicated, I won’t attempt to blog about it. But there are times when I get mad and ask myself why I feel this way about him.
I knew from the moment I saw him, anyone else who tells you that love at first sight is not possible, is wrong.
The chemistry was there, I could not stop looking at him, he was talking and I was looking at his lips, his face, hair, body and his hands.
Each time I saw him, I wanted to know more, and the more we talked the more I became attracted to him.
I noticed that his body language changed and I just wanted to grab him and kiss him, but I could not.
There were times when he was close to me and I imagined what it would be like for him to touch me.
I think of him often and I still get excited even after all this time.
My relationships with men have been complex, some of them were beautiful lessons, while others caused me pain and I became bitter and vengeful.
When men who were at ease with themselves entered my life, I was unsettled I really I had no template for what a good relationship looked like.
I was told that you only ever get one love in life, I am not so sure.
Perhaps I am not ready yet, I am work in progress.
Love is not about race, size, gender, background, for me it is about making that connection – knowing that I am able to love someone for who they are and that I receive the same love in return.
